God has been challenging Andrew and I lately.I became frustrating and angry. I pouted like a child because I was confused and could not see what He is doing in our life. I am human. I realized what I was doing, doubting God, and I didn't want to do it anymore. Last night I laid in bed and told Andrew I was so tired of it all I was done. People think I am so strong and able to keep everything together when in reality I fall apart all the time. I told Andrew that I was hurting to much and felt to lost to know what was happening. It made me sick with anxiety. I realized that this is wrong. God calls us to listen to him. In a relationship it doesn't just go way. I cannot be a child demanding things from God and not listening to what he wants for my life. I cannot ignore him any longer because he keeps tugging at my heart, "Katlyn, I am still here. Come sit in my hands like Thumbelina, you used to love spending time as my little Thumbelina." I want to get back to that place. Sitting in the palm of his hand no matter what storms rage around me, knowing I am safe.
I fall apart. I get angry. I cry.
My grandmother passed away yesterday. I loved her so much. I shared Christ with her ever since I was a little girl. She taught me my love for art. Buying me my first canvas she would spent hours painting with me. Her kitchen window is stain glassed with blur flowers and green leaves, we did that together. I remember how she would guide my hand to put the clear sealant over the glass. How she would let me dress up in her scarves and we would sit cuddling on the couch to watch HGTV. Her guest bathroom was the room she let me redecorate every time I came over, using whatever I wanted I interior decorated the bathroom. She had tiny feet and I remember the time I slipped on her black shoes and said, "look we wear the same size." Just a few years later I passed her up in height and in shoe size. She was an amazing grandma and I miss her.
I want Christ's peace back. I want him to fill up my life with more of him and less of me. I want to go back to Thumbelina.
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