Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I have decided to go back to my old blog... it is more me and less of the scarred me.

Friday, May 25, 2012

It's what you are supposed to do, right?

So I have been thinking a lot about plans. My plans, Andrew's plans, God's plans, people's plans; you know that "next step" to take. Most people would agree that the best plan is to turn 16 get a car and a job, then graduate high school at 18, go to college and graduate in 4-6 years, get married in your mid-twenties, get a job with said college degree, buy a house, have 2.5 babies, settle down, work until you are in your 60's and then retire.

Well, our life isn't going exactly according to the worlds "plan" of what we should and shouldn't be doing. I have never been one to follow the crowd, never one to fall inline with the plan laid out for us kids.

In elementary school I wore weird clothes. I can even remember I had this one outfit that was silver metallic bell bottomed pants that I would pair with a turquoise glitteriffic sweatshirt. Yea, I was that kid. The kid that bought space books for the quiet kid in class because she knew his family didn't have money for the book fair. Actually, my mom bought the books for him when I told her about him. That was a stepping stone to finding who I was; my mom was guiding me to a life of compassion. I wanted to help people, be the support they needed. That year my mom bought these little name cards that hung on the back of our bathroom door. My brother and I each had a robe that hung there and above our robe the card was there with our name and the meaning of our name. She also had a card with the bible verse John 3:16 on it: "for God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son so whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Those cards hung on our door and every time I would brush my teeth, take a shower, go pee, whatever! I would stare at those cards and read them over and over. I would say, "Katlyn means pure" and then read John 3:16. That is how I memorized my first bible verse.

So what if it was unconventional and I was "odd" I really didn't mind. Middle school was tougher. I had love from Jesus bursting at the seams but was really shy about it. I would quietly tell my friends about Jesus and how much he loves us. Once again I became that kid. Seventh grade was the year I decided what I wanted to do with my life. When I told my parents what I wanted to be their answer was, "no." That was it. I didn't want to be a doctor or a nurse, not a teacher or a astronaut, neither a dancer or mom, not even an artist or musician. I wanted to be a missionary. I HAD to go to Ukraine.

Ukraine was my first plan. I watched a short presentation on the needs of Ukraine in seventh grade be believed I just had to go there. The next year I fell in love with Uganda in the same way. Seeing the little brown faces on the computer screen seemed to just call to me. I felt like I HAD to go there. Still, of course, my parents said no. Freshman year of high school I felt that Thailand was where I was meant to be. I had Ukraine, Uganda, and Thailand information all over my binders. I would pray for the countries everyday and pour of information I could find on the Internet. My heart grew again the following year and it opened up to Hungary, Ethiopia, and Kenya. That sophomore year I had a giant map behind my bedroom door and each of those countries (Ukraine, Uganda, Thailand, Hungary, Ethiopia, and Kenya) all colored and labeled. On the top of the map I wrote the bible verse John 3:16: "for God so love the world that he sent his one and only son so whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

During this time you could call me dogmatic. I was all about the rules of the bible. I didn't curse, didn't date, didn't drink, didn't dress provocatively, didn't disobey my parents (much), I was all about the RULES. Who could memorize the most scripture, who knew the most information about the bible. It was all about how many rules could I keep perfect. In all honesty I thought I was doing a good thing but part of me took it too far. I started to feel pity for those that couldn't follow the rules. I didn't think they were hard so why couldn't they do it too? My compassion for those that sinned was lacking. I had compassion for the children of the countries I prayed for but I didn't have the Jesus-like compassion I should have for all people.

I lived that way for a long time and then I started to stumble. I felt like I had to be perfect or something bad would happen. I became depressed and this notion of "being perfect" was my downfall. I secretly struggled with this for years. It made me so depressed I felt like God didn't want me anymore; I mean what worth did I have when I couldn't even go to a third world country to live poor like Jesus did and feed the hungry? My relationship with God was dwindling. I held fast to the rules and clung to the idea that God would like me if I was almost perfect.

As years past, friends came and gone, relationships came and went, boys just went, I started to realize that I didn't pay much attention to the verse that came after John 3:16... John 3:17 is, "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." I realized that Jesus did not condemn us, not you or me. He came to rescue us! My need to be perfect was pointless because I could not save myself. I needed him to save me. I know I became a believer at a young age but this is when my relationship with Christ became ALIVE. Less about rules and more about love. That is my whole focus now. Jesus said the two most important commandments are to love your God with all your heart and to love others as you love yourself. Those are my new "rules" to live by. Everything else can wait.

So what does this have to do with "The Plan." Well, once again Andrew and I went against the grain. We didn't follow the rules we were supposed to. I graduated high school and went to college but then I dropped out. Then we got married and moved into an apartment; we made little money but went with it. We knew it was from God because of this sense of peace we had. I eventually went back to school and Andrew stuck it out the whole time. We got pregnant! A new chance at following the plan the way we should... instead God took our little one Home and we were left lost. This was NOT part of the plan. So we tried again, this time God took our little twins Home. What the heck was God doing to THE PLAN?! Didn't he get that this is not the way life was supposed to work? We then realized that the plan is pointless. Who cares about the rules, we never really fit into the box anyways.

Now that Jonah is on the way we fell back into the same idea of, "okay, so what is our next step?" To buy a house of course. Everyone asks us if we have a nursery ready or have we bought a house yet. Nope. At first I felt bad about it. Buying a house is what you are supposed to do when you have a baby, right?

All well, we aren't following the rules again. I don't think God is calling us to buy a house right now. If I was being totally honest with myself I would say I don't even want to buy a house at all. I want to live in our bedroom apartment stuffed with books and car parts. I want Jonah to share a room with us. I want to save all the money we make from Andrews new job because we want to adopt. This is the one time in our lives when it would be okay to stay where we are. Our apartment is affordable and in a nice neighborhood. It is close to a family who we spend time with and minister too. Sure it has its issues like a leaky air conditioner and our garbage disposal doesn't work but then I remember Africa. I remember all the countries I wanted to go to because I felt like I HAD to go. While pouting, grinding my feet into the ground, throwing fits, arguing with God, I have come to terms that my place is probably not being in a 3rd world country. However, that doesn't mean I give up my dream to be a missionary. I am a missionary right here, on the home front. Not the conventional sort of missionary but I learned I can minister to the ones right here. The kids I see on a daily basis, the new mom struggling to hold her head above water, the pregnant scared teenager, the rebellious student with no dad at home. Right here is where I am called to be. Forget the worlds plan for us; I want God's plan for us. I can't think of a better place to be than exactly where He wants us to be.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

It has been a while...

I know it has been a while since I have been on here. I miss blogging but sometimes I have to step back and keep my life private.

This month was the one year "birthday" of our first baby Riley. My heart ached knowing I would never get to experience life with him. I knew that God has a plan for us and I kept that in mind as I went day to day. The twins due date is coming up in just about two weeks. It is a complicated feeling to know that there are three babies waiting for me in heaven.

I have some great blessings to share with everyone though... I am pregnant! Not only am I pregnant but I am 23wks pregnant with a little boy. Being pregnant after losing three babies is complicated. It was filled with uncertainty and sometimes fear.

About a week after having a positive pregnancy test back in January I started bleeding. I was for sure that we would lose this baby too. My OB was wonderful and let me have an early ultrasound... baby was measuring two weeks behind. I cannot even put the emotions I had into words. The emotions were tremendous thinking we would lose this baby too. Four in heaven, God are you sure? Turns out he had another plan. Against what my doctors were saying that miscarriage was a good possibility out little baby grew and grew. He always measured a bit behind but when we saw the heartbeat my OB was no longer concerned we would lose him (although we didn't know he was a he yet). She put me on progesterone supplements because mine was just a little low (12 when they liked 15 or highter). The progesterone had awful side effects. That topped with my never ending morning sickness and bleeding I didn't even feel myself anymore. Everyday was just a constant battle over my flesh to let God handle it. Andrew stood faithfully by my side through it all. Praying daily for the little one growing in my womb. We were "at risk" until 24wks but not quite "high risk" because everything started to turn around. The bleeding stopped at about ten weeks and baby started measuring right on track with his new due date. We think I just ovulated late. God kept showing us over and over his faithfulness.

We are naming him Jonah. Jonah means "peace" or "dove." Like the peace after heartache or the dove that Noah sent out of the ark when the storm was over. Jonah is our blessing and I love this little boy so much. He is due to make his arrival in the middle of September. I can feel him move everyday now; such an amazing and reassuring feeling to have him move regularly. It makes me giggle because sometimes when I am working little Jonah is going crazy in there and it makes it hard to consentrate. I learned that if I bounce my knee while I am working it rocks him to sleep.

We are so blessed with our three itty-bitties in heaven and this beautiful miracle in my womb. We are forever grateful for Him choosing us to be Riley, Brielle, Maia and Jonah's parents.

I became a mother of FOUR children before my 23rd birthday!
What an amazing blessing.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Being Human

Part of being human is being fallen. We all make mistakes, we all get frustrated, we all get angry, we all say things we shouldn't have. I had one of those moments... okay so the past 24 hours has been one big moment of this.

God has been challenging Andrew and I lately.I became frustrating and angry. I pouted like a child because I was confused and could not see what He is doing in our life. I am human. I realized what I was doing, doubting God, and I didn't want to do it anymore. Last night I laid in bed and told Andrew I was so tired of it all I was done. People think I am so strong and able to keep everything together when in reality I fall apart all the time. I told Andrew that I was hurting to much and felt to lost to know what was happening. It made me sick with anxiety. I realized that this is wrong. God calls us to listen to him. In a relationship it doesn't just go way. I cannot be a child demanding things from God and not listening to what he wants for my life. I cannot ignore him any longer because he keeps tugging at my heart, "Katlyn, I am still here. Come sit in my hands like Thumbelina, you used to love spending time as my little Thumbelina." I want to get back to that place. Sitting in the palm of his hand no matter what storms rage around me, knowing I am safe.

I fall apart. I get angry. I cry.

My grandmother passed away yesterday. I loved her so much. I shared Christ with her ever since I was a little girl. She taught me my love for art. Buying me my first canvas she would spent hours painting with me. Her kitchen window is stain glassed with blur flowers and green leaves, we did that together. I remember how she would guide my hand to put the clear sealant over the glass. How she would let me dress up in her scarves and we would sit cuddling on the couch to watch HGTV. Her guest bathroom was the room she let me redecorate every time I came over, using whatever I wanted I interior decorated the bathroom. She had tiny feet and I remember the time I slipped on her black shoes and said, "look we wear the same size." Just a few years later I passed her up in height and in shoe size. She was an amazing grandma and I miss her.

I want Christ's peace back. I want him to fill up my life with more of him and less of me. I want to go back to Thumbelina.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Divine Romance

Have you ever been on a date with someone and they gave you a sunset? I have. I have this relationship, a tough relationship on my part, that is with the Creator of the Universe. He loves to romance me in ways people can't imagine. Romance goes so much farther than lovey-dovey, puppy-love things that people think. Romance isn't just dinner dates and roses. Romance is a life long dance. Well, I am dancing with my Savior. Two left feet and trying to keep up but it doesn't matter how clumsy I am because he carries me through the dance. 

 While dancing it feels like home. It feels like a place that looks like eternity and you can't imagine anywhere else. The love is more than anyone or anything on this earth could handle. It is a divine romance. When dancing through life it makes the tears seem shorter, the growth less painful, the days better, the smiles sweeter, the dreams closer. It makes it feel like this is all worth it, that the outcome of life is worth every misstep and clumsy move here because once I am in heaven for the dance of eternity, I will no longer have a clumsy step. When dancing I feel like I am completely enthralled with his plan for my life.

There are moments that I stop dancing. That I push my romancer away and I stop listening. I tune out the music and I just let the missteps overtake me and bring me down. Those little voices that say, "it is all your fault," or "you're not good enough," or even "there is a better dance partner for you." I let those things keep me from my divine romance and those times I feel so far away. It is those times in life where I don't feel content with where I am at. That I feel like my Savior is farther than arms lengths away even though he is still standing next to me, hand out waiting for me to be willing to dance again.

 I become so swallowed in the darkness that I swear there was never a light, never a dance in the first place. This place only comes because my eyes were closed. Standing in darkness because I tuned out the music, closed my eyes and turned away from my Savior. When I opened my eyes again I could see him standing right there, willing to dance again. Not to condemn or to pout or be angry that I ignored him, just to dance again. Dancing to his very alive and beating heart. The same heart that stopped for me and conquered death for me. The experience of dancing with your Savior is one that is indescribable unless you have been the one waltzing with him.

Our God is greater than anything imaginable. Brighter than the sun, sweeter than sugar, stronger than any earthly material, and more forgiving than any soul on earth. He is truly the only one worthy to dance with. We can focus on our own two feet, or even attempt to dance with someone else who has two left feet, but knowing what a true divine romance is something that must be experienced. When dancing you know his heart is speaking straight to yours. I hope to dance with my Savior for the rest of eternity. When my flesh fails and I close my eyes to turn away from him, he will be the one to open my eyes and take my hand to dance once again.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


One foot is still in 2011 and the other foot is planted firmly in 2012. I guess it just hasn't hit me quite yet that it is really 2012. I believe wholeheartedly that this is the year, THE year that God will show us more of his plan for us. Whether that is here in America, teaching in Africa, birthing babies, buying a house, moving, staying... We don't know what He has in-store for this year but I know that it will be Good.

"And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:27-28

We celebrated the New Year in Maryland with Andrew family. It was amazing to be able to visit Maryland, Virginia and Pennsylvania (especially because that was my first time to Virginia and Pennsylvania). I fully enjoyed the trip and visiting people we hadn't seen in years. It was nice to be able to get away for a while. Away from our jobs, responsibility, and 2011. It was a fresh start, just like this new blog.  

L to R: Katlyn, Andrew, Josh, Handshoe, Greer, Jess

The boys (they have been friends since high school)

Andrew signing Josh's parents ceiling in the Ford Pub

My turn :)

Josh's little 4lb doggie

Handshoe (Dave), Andrew and Josh

Just a cute picture of Walli when we got home

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Team

Katlyn is a winter girl who finds magic in the muck and stories in the faceless. Andrew is a man’s-man who has car oil running through his blood and a hard working heart. They have decided to start over this wintery New Year. 2011 was a trying year; full of heartbreak and scars. After losing three of their unborn babies they starting to realize how truly fragile and breakable life is. So temporary and soft, time has no limit; whether it is short or long time just exists. Katlyn falls in love with characters in books and reads  far too often but has only one true love in real-life. Andrew and Katlyn fell in love February 2007 and wed February 2010. At moments they feel like Peter Pan children never wanting to grow up and just live in a fairy tale novel full of adventures. While other times they feel like they have been married and lived over a hundred years as they cling to each other for walking stability. They both are on a new path in life in a land that is unfamiliar and they have no map. There is only a Light unto their feet as they take one step forward at a time into the darkness as they wait for the sun to rise.
They call their three heavenside babies their Glory Babies. This is where the name of the blog came from. They are choosing to Bask in God's Glory no matter where life brings them. They hold hard to their faith and to eachother while on this journey to eternity.
You can find their old blog, We are Under the Same Sky, here